Since hitting that five year mark in sobriety I have felt that something was missing. They all told me that I would 'get my marbles back' at this point and then spend the next several years learning to play with them. But as I started playing with them I constantly would pick up a new one hoping it would be the one that would answer that pressing question..."What's missing?"
Things were coming together, as they should once you start repairing the wreckage of your past...but at the end of the day there was this little nagging voice telling me there was something more that I was missing. Yes...I prayed on it...talked it over with my sponsor...even spoke about it openly, but the answer eluded me. It took unemployment to make me realize what it was all about. And even that discovery took an almost 1800 mile trip to realize.
In frustration or just the need to change my environment for a bit...I traveled up to Kansas to spend time with my youngest son, his wife and my granddaughter...my very first granddaughter in February.
It truly was a magical experience. It was a freedom like no other I have experienced. Each day truly was a new beginning. My route was planned but flexible and time was something I forgot about. For the first time in many years I had no one but myself to worry about, care about or deal with. And surprisingly I found myself so much easier to live with!!! What a revelation.
I made Kansas with little trouble. It was a quest of profound discovery. About myself, about my son, about my daughter-in-law and mostly about this little girl who one morning at the crack of dawn woke me by calling my name 'Grammy' for the first time. It hit me...it hit me hard.
Finally I had found what was missing...the family that I tried so hard unintentionally to destroy. It was back...standing there in the crib...her hair standing on end, all her stuffed animals and blankets on the floor where she had thrown them, impatient for 'Grammy" to get her tush out of bed and rescue her from the prison of said crib. Trustingly she lifted her arms to me with a smile on her face and anxious to start the day that awaited her.
She would laugh and babble through the diaper change...she would show that impatience again as Grammy slowly shuffled through a very cold house as she hit the floor running ahead of me. Juice, cereal...the sprout channel and all those toys awaited her and all I could do was sit there while the coffee brewed watching her storm through the rooms in search of her new day...thoroughly enjoying her adventure.
When it came time for me to leave I knew that it was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever do. Because at that precise moment of time I knew...I knew deep in my soul I had found what was missing. It wasn't just that little girl...it was the son who grew up to a man and I missed it. It was that daughter-in-law that was more than that to me. And was all of it rolled up in what is called family.
I cried for miles that day. I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to come back to Florida to be sure this was the answer. Call it closure...or not. It really is just turning a page and starting a new chapter of my life. Filling in the missing pages, or words...finding the link that makes me complete. :)
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