It becoming increasingly clear to me that in preparation of this move there is a lot more to do other than packing and changing my address. Everything has been in storage for a few months now so that is all taken care of. I've made list and yes, checked them more than twice, keeping myself on track and organized. In the back of my mind have been the goodbyes I would have to say...nothing permanent, but harder to deal with than just a casual...'see you soon.' It's all been on my mind daily, but nothing that has caused me stress or pressure to change my mind.
Today at a noon meeting one item that is still a festering wound opened up some making me realize that old resentment is still very much taking up space in my head. Actually hearing someone else, new to the program speak about resentments sparked this sore to bleed some more into my rather peaceful existence.
As with most resentments it is with another...someone whom almost two years ago decided she had an issue with me...which in turn had me resenting her for resenting me. Yes...it's a vicious, ugly cycle that is so easy for any of us to get caught up into if given the chance.
I know all about resentments. Very early on in my program not only my sponsor but everyone I talked to told me that resentments could kill the alcoholic. I heard what they were saying, it's just hard to understand what they mean until you actually have one and are trying to figure out what to do with it. First time I had one I was told to pray on it. That didn't go over to well and I lived with the resentment for a while till I let it go out of sear frustration at not finding the answer that I wanted.
And as time went on and steps were taken I truly did learn to pray on resentments, mostly praying for the other party. Yes...that worked. But this last resentment just doesn't seem to want to go away. Or should I say I don't want it to go away. And that seems to be the issue.
I use to have a friendship with this person. Not a great friendship...but she was a friend and I had respect. I kind of lost that when I realized what she was capable of and I should have let it go at that. But, true alcoholic that I am, had to take it to the next level and feel she had no right to do what she did to me. And I'm sure many have gotten tired of listening to that fact.
So today, after the meeting we had our normal Friday afternoon lunch and I sat across from another that at one point I had lost some trust in...but it's repaired now. I'm not sure that was even a resentment, more hurt feelings...but never the less, things are okay. As it should be. I can't change the past, just change myself in hopes of a better future. But it got me thinking. I need to let this resentment go before I leave here. I want to exit this part of Florida, this part of my life with only happy, pleasant memories...as it should be. I have nothing but wonderful memories of this place...I came here to get sober and I did. It's where my new life started and I don't wish it to be tainted with one unpleasant memory. So...it's gone....out of my life. No longer an issue because I can't let it take up the space it's squatted in over 2 years ago. It can't follow me to Kansas...when I go over the bridge leaving Marco I will wish it off at the top. Gone, taken by the warm breeze to the waters below. Life is good.
No comments:
Post a Comment