Old Resentments

It becoming increasingly clear to me that in preparation of this move there is a lot more to do other than  packing and changing my address.  Everything has been in storage for a few months now so that is all taken care of.  I've made list and yes, checked them more than twice, keeping myself on track and organized.  In the back of my mind have been the goodbyes I would have to say...nothing permanent, but harder to deal with than just a casual...'see you soon.'  It's all been on my mind daily, but nothing that has caused me stress or pressure to change my mind. 

Today at a noon meeting one item that is still a festering wound opened up some making me realize that old resentment is still very much taking up space in my head.  Actually hearing someone else, new to the program speak about resentments sparked this sore to bleed some more into my rather peaceful existence. 

As with most resentments it is with another...someone whom almost two years ago decided she had an issue with me...which in turn had me resenting her for resenting me.  Yes...it's a vicious, ugly cycle that is so easy for any of us to get caught up into if given the chance. 

I know all about resentments.  Very early on in my program not only my sponsor but everyone I talked to told me that resentments could kill the alcoholic.  I heard what they were saying, it's just hard to understand what they mean until you actually have one and are trying to figure out what to do with it.  First time I had one I was told to pray on it.  That didn't go over to well and I lived with the resentment for a while till I let it go out of sear frustration at not finding the answer that I wanted. 

And as time went on and steps were taken I truly did learn to pray on  resentments, mostly praying for the other party.  Yes...that worked.  But this last resentment just doesn't seem to want to go away.  Or should I say I don't want it to go away.  And that seems to be the issue. 

I use to have a friendship with this person.  Not a great friendship...but she was a friend and I had respect.  I kind of lost that when I realized what she was capable of and I should have let it go at that.  But, true alcoholic that I am, had to take it to the next level and feel she had no right to do what she did to me.  And I'm sure many have gotten tired of listening to that fact. 

So today, after the meeting we had our normal Friday afternoon lunch and I sat across from another that at one point I had lost some trust in...but it's repaired now. I'm not sure that was even a resentment, more hurt feelings...but never the less, things are okay.  As it should be.  I can't change the past, just change myself in hopes of a better future.  But it got me thinking.  I need to let this resentment go before I leave here.  I want to exit this part of Florida, this part of my life with only happy, pleasant memories...as it should be.  I have nothing but wonderful memories of this place...I came here to get sober and I did.  It's where my new life started and I don't wish it to be tainted with one unpleasant memory.  So...it's gone....out of my life.  No longer an issue because I can't let it take up the space it's squatted in over 2 years ago.  It can't follow me to Kansas...when I go over the bridge leaving Marco I will wish it off at the top.  Gone, taken by the warm breeze to the waters below.  Life is good. 

The Missing Link

Since hitting that five year mark in sobriety I have felt that something was missing.  They all told me that I would 'get my marbles back' at this point and then spend the next several years learning to play with them.  But as I started playing with them I constantly would pick up a new one hoping it would be the one that would answer that pressing question..."What's missing?" 

Things were coming together, as they should once you start repairing the wreckage of your past...but at the end of the day there was this little nagging voice telling me there was something more that I was missing.  Yes...I prayed on it...talked it over with my sponsor...even spoke about it openly, but the answer eluded me.  It took unemployment to make me realize what it was all about. And even that discovery took an almost 1800 mile trip to realize. 

 In frustration or just the need to change my environment for a bit...I traveled up to Kansas to spend time with my youngest son, his wife and my granddaughter...my very first granddaughter in February.

It truly was a magical experience.  It was a freedom like no other I have experienced.  Each day truly was a new beginning.  My route was planned but flexible and time was something I forgot about.  For the first time in many years I had no one but myself to worry about, care about or deal with.  And surprisingly I found myself so much easier to live with!!!  What a revelation. 

I made Kansas with little trouble. It was a quest of profound discovery.  About myself, about my son, about my daughter-in-law and mostly about this little girl who one morning at the crack of dawn woke me by calling my name 'Grammy' for the first time.  It hit me...it hit me hard. 

Finally I had found what was missing...the family that I tried so hard unintentionally to destroy.  It was back...standing there in the crib...her hair standing on end, all her stuffed animals and blankets on the floor where she had thrown them, impatient for 'Grammy" to get her tush out of bed and rescue her from the prison of said crib.  Trustingly she lifted her arms to me with a smile on her face and anxious to start the day that awaited her. 

She would laugh and babble through the diaper change...she would show that  impatience again as Grammy slowly shuffled through a very cold house as she hit the floor running ahead of me.  Juice, cereal...the sprout channel and all those toys awaited her and all I could do was sit there while the coffee brewed watching her storm through the rooms  in search of her new day...thoroughly enjoying her adventure. 

When it came time for me to leave I knew that it was going to be one of the hardest things I would ever do.  Because at that precise moment of time I knew...I knew deep in my soul I had found what was missing.  It wasn't just that little girl...it was the son who grew up to a man and I missed it.  It was that daughter-in-law that was more than that to me.  And was all of it rolled up in what is called family. 

I cried for miles that day.  I didn't want to leave but I knew I had to come back to Florida to be sure this was the answer.  Call it closure...or not.  It really is just turning a page and starting a new chapter of my life.  Filling in the missing pages, or words...finding the link that makes me complete.  :)

The Count Down

For over four months now I've been unemployed.  It came unexpectantly and to be honest I was surprised it happened.  It did hit me hard...I'm not going to lie about that.  I was angry, hurt, bewildered...even violated.  The details are too many but basiclly because another was insecure and manipulative I was blindside and replaced with a newer, younger and more stable model.  But..as time passed I realized it was for the better. 

If truth be told I was never really 'happy' with the job.  I could have been...but I wasn't. 

When I went all through the grief process and put things in order I realized this probably was for the best.  For a few years now...around my fifth year of sobriety...I realized something was missing.  And I couldn't figure out what it was.  Oh...I seached, questioned and prayed on it.  Asked for 'signs'...inspiration...anything to tell me what I needed to do.  I think I ignored all the obvious signs and it took unemloyment for me to see the 'big picture.'

So....in 16 days I am on the road to Kansas.  Yes...I am moving from Florida to Kansas fully aware that most people do the opposite.  This is the second time I'm doing this trip.  In February I packed the car, cat and myself and headed north, then west, then north again to the middle of the country.  My son and his wife live in Kansas along with my baby brother and his family.  I am not totally off my rocker...I have family up there...hence the main reason I am going.  I think I found that missing link...I need to be closer to my family. 

I also need a job and the employment opportunities in south Florida are not the greatest. 

My faith has me believing that this move is the answer.  It also gives me the confidence to do this with the knowledge that I can always start the day over if it doesn't work out.  Faith...it's all about that...and family. 

There is still a lot of preparations to be done, but I have a handle on everything...so far.  But over the next 16 days I will be busy in preparation.  And I'm ready...so very ready....for tomorrow's beginning.